Hello to all my sisters and honorary sisters in equality!
My name is Baroness Honoraria All-Kneel.
Please do not applaud yet.
Today I want to open an important new forum in the fight for equality. FemiFist is an exciting opportunity to offer the world the benefit of our wisdom and a wonderful new tool in extolling the natural superiority of rich white women over all other life forms.
What is equality?
As I used to say when I was lecturing at the exclusive women-only Bigets College of Oxbridge, equality is for everyone.
And that is why I have chosen to use the historic opportunity afforded by the opening of FemiFist to announce that the all-female panel of our Equality For Women Only Rights Committee (EFWORC) has reluctantly agreed to mention black people in our ground-breaking initiative to get more women playing cricket.
After our budget was slashed last year by the patriarchy, we were faced with difficult choices. With so much male-originated evil in the world, it was an almost impossible task to choose between the many worthy causes needing our attention. But above all of them, one issue stood out like a running sore, an historical injustice of such monstrous proportions that it could no longer be tolerated.
I speak of course of the brutal sexism of women’s unequal access to cricketing facilities.
Only yesterday, I was tortured by the issue as I strolled with Lady Tokena Black-Woman arm in arm through Hoxton, brushing aside the outstretched hands of the inconsiderate homeless men who dared to raise their begging bowls to within 6 feet of our lady-parts. After minutes of deep thought, the answer came to me in that intuitive, quintessentially female way that no man can ever experience;
“Of course, Lady Tokena. We should spend all our grant money this year on a huge advertising campaign designed to get more girls to play cricket.”
Lady Tokena was temporarily distracted by an inconsiderate male-rapist builder who had fallen off a gangplank and was screaming something about broken legs.
“Man up and pay your taxes”, she shouted, a proud and unconquerable female refusing to be silenced by the oppressive patriarchy. What a pity she is black, I thought as I found myself almost admiring her. Finally, she managed a response to my wonderful idea.
“But Lady All-Kneel, that is a brilliant idea”
“Thank you, I know”, I allowed.
“But how will we convince the patriarchy to release their ancient grip on this most vital of avenues towards true equality?” she whined.
Honestly, sometimes I despair of our coloured cousins! But I decided to humour her.
“It will not be easy,” I mused. “On our side we have only the Minister for Women, a few hundred University Gender Equality departments staffed solely by women, the UN Women’s Agency, and a thousand-year old culture obliging men to provide women with whatever we demand. Oh, and the media too.”
I paused, deep in thought, as another father threw himself from the roof of the nearby family courts (how typical of a male to attempt to hijack the equality debate!)
Finally, inspiration struck.
“I know, we will say that it is to encourage more ethnic minorities into sport, too!”
Lady Tokena looked appropriately impressed.
“Yes, yes, all those ethnic minorities who are so under-represented in sport. How wonderful, Lady Honoraria. Your feminine wisdom will smash the patriarchy yet!”
I smiled a knowing smile, as only a woman can.
“Perhaps, Lady Tokena, perhaps”.